The Closure That Never Comes
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 30th, 2012

(Another poem about me and my hang-ups. It’s about how hung-up on them I am. How fitting.)

What is this
I have no reason
To come to grips
With your silent treason

I hold on tight to memory
As it always was
And has been
Even then
I still forget
And long to know again

All I ever wanted was love.
Don’t you get it?
Can’t you see it?
You made it out to be
So much more
Now unaccounted for

I’m still lost
I don’t want to move on
Now I’m silent and
My heart is withdrawn
‘Tis no-one’s to own
Not even my own

I long for your embrace
And miss your voice
And seeing your face
Is it my fault?
I shall not disgrace
Your beautiful name
Though if I do
It’s still the same

There’s nothing that can
Be done for me
Know, they’ll never
THEY’LL NEVER SEE
Me for what I am
In it’s entirety
They’ll only see me
For what they make me to be

And all I wanted was love.

Remembering Something
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 17, 2012

I remember the food
We ate together
You and me
And your family

Feeling like
Maybe I was
A part of something

I remember the ducks
We fed at the pond
How happy I was
The time
Laid aside
For a moment where
We didn’t have to be so stressed
Where we could forget

And I felt
At once
I
Could be something

I remember the fear
With which you approached
The idea of getting a job
Excited and scared
Of the future
And all that was to be

And you’d tried
So hard
Fought
To be something

I remember the stadium lights
The field in which we met
You were so quiet and yet
I was
By your eyes
Mystified

Silent in my outcry
That we
Could be something

I remember
The things I said
And shouldn’t have meant.
I remember
The things you denied
How hard we both tried
To make it all work.

Silent as the air
Yet you could almost hear
Something

I remember
How shy you were
How shy we both were
Excited and scared
Of what we felt
And of that which would never be.

I wish
I wouldn’t
Remember
Everything.

The Battle Unseen
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 8, 2012

(A response poem (kind of) to a discussion I had with one of the many people here who don’t read my poetry. :P Oh, for you tumblr-followers, I moved to Texas like three months ago. Things are interesting here. It also has a lot to do with why the story mentioned in “The Face Of An Angel” turned out the way it did. Anyway, here we have ourselves my first sonnet in awhile. Just a line I wanted to toy with. Kind of all over the place, but I like it.)

I feel the battle raging in my mind
While lost with dreary thoughts and borrowed peace
I sleepwalk, though you’d never think me blind
But ne’er to will my aching heart to cease
For through the difficulties I may face
I know the truth will come to me one day
And greet me with a hollowing embrace
And hand in hand will carry me away
For now the battle rages in my heart
The past, a looming shadow o’er my head
These noisy thoughts do wake me with a start
But still, it is the silence most I dread
You shudder now, think naught of it my friend
For all that comes to pass is known to end

What I Would Say To You
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 26, 2012

(So remember when I said that long poem marked the end of a story? Yeah, I didn’t mean that very much. Here’s something I wrote on the same subject, about words unsaid that couldn’t help anyway. They may be gone, but the memory will be among those that haunt me forever.)

I’d say I’m sorry
But I doubt you’d listen
I’d say I’m the lowest
But I put myself there
I’d say you hurt me
But I know I deserved it
I’d say you broke me
But I doubt that you’d care

I’d say it was easy
But I’m done with the hiding
I’d say it was truthful
But it won’t make you smile
I’d say I’m the victim
Though you’re just as much hurting
I’d say it meant nothing
But it was just too worthwhile

I’d say that I miss you
But you’re better off without me
I’d say that I’m lonely
But I’ve been there before
I’d say that I’m sorry
But you don’t need to hear it
I’d say I love you
But it doesn’t matter anymore

The Face Of An Angel
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 2, 2012

(Mark Twain once said that there are two ways to tell the absolute truth, anonymously and posthumously. I don’t know if it’s really the case, ignorant people speak their minds all the time. They just aren’t wary of the consequences. On this note, I question my intelligence sometimes. Something to think about.)

I miss you each and every day
I know it’s me who closed the door
I know that it’s I who ran away
But today’s a day
I miss you more

And it’s okay
And I’ll be fine
So I dream
As I’m designed
To think that I
Can move along
That it’ll be okay
Things are easier that way

But tell me
Darling
Is it true?
That I can live apart from you?
A friend I lost
Although I knew
This is what had to be
You had to get away from me.

My heart is filled
With strange emotions
Anchored to
This strong devotion
By broken links
By the battering ocean
Sweeping me away from all I thought I knew.
Reminding me that even the worst men can stay true.

With aching heart
and shaken mind
I lay me down to sleep
Lost on the cusp of a dream,
I hope
Somewhere
You’re thinking of me.

And cringing at the memory.

Nor Tears, Nor Prayers, Purchase Abuses
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 1, 2012

(So I occasionally check in on lost friends on facebook to remind myself of the mistakes I’ve made and prove to myself that I deserve to be sad and angry (I know this behavior is by no means healthy, but still.). After stopping by a few, seeing some new pictures, new memories to which I didn’t justly belong, I decided I’d finally show you here on tumblr the poem that marked their story’s close in my mind, seeing as it had slipped by my publication schedule. Here we are.)
(Alsofacts: The ridiculously long title is a reference to the end of the Prince’s last line in Romeo And Juliet, for those of you utterly perplexed.)

The problem became the solution
As the storm has passed you by
Barely even harmed
But no, not I
Don’t be alarmed
Don’t even try

You smiled at me so gently
That I thought it must be true
Oh, to think I would ever be deceived
By angels as sweet as you
And no reprieve
Could ever, ever
Be conceived
And thus adieu

For no small fault is justified
Justice by mercy tempered blind
Nobody’s on my side
No, not even I
Don’t be alarmed
Don’t even try
Just let me through
Just pass me by

And cruelty wears the sweetest face
The sweetest tongue is our distaste
And just like every fault before
We can barely pretend
It could ever be erased

Insidious
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 21, 2012

Have you ever had one of those
Thoughts
That slithers
And sticks
In the back
Of your brain
And stays?

And
Yeah
She’s beautiful
And kind
But the things
In my mind
Aren’t alike
To one like
Her
Oh, I wish that they were!

I’m scared
To get close
As my thoughts
Are cold
My feelings
Grow

For fear
I retreat
For hope
Shall see defeat
But my mind
Repeats
“She’s not like me.”
“She’s not like me.”
“She’s not like me.”
“She won’t like me.”

You Don’t Understand
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 18, 2012

(I take a good deal of pride in the euphony here. It just slides off and through the tongue. I love to do this with words. Thankfully, it’s something akin to a breakaway from my form that I’ve been craving recently. Not be repetitive. Stream-of-consciousness. All that good stuff. )

You don’t understand
The things I see at night
They come to me so cold
And judging in their eyes
So bright

You don’t understand
The way they looked at me
You see right through the glass
But just a mask
Looks back, empty
I only wish that you would see
The unworthy

You never ought to know
The places I will go
The things I just might do
Even to you
Like those
I cared for so
It feels so long ago

***

The fragile girl
Queen of the world
And first to meet me here
I know I own her fear
And tragedy
Was the truth she was near
But still not close
To all she owned
Her world was soon
To disappear
But only I
Could see the pages
Where it smeared
The ink was clouded here.

The girl with raven hair
A pity now
To see her there
Where she placed herself
And still I care
Like nobody else
Though she’ll never stare
Back at me
To know I see
The hurt she tries to hide
That each alike
Hates what’s inside
What we’ve become.

Two angels, bright
And justified
Unraveled by
My eager mind
I think that you might understand
I doubt they ever will;
I’m victim to
Their mercy, still.

***

These stories, four
And a dozen more
Would almost begin to show
The lonely places
My mind will go.

But you don’t understand
The sad songs on repeat
The darkness where
My mind retreats
Ne’er to forget
The slow defeat
The requiem
As we all meet
The place where
Nobody dares
To sleep
A place of groanings
Incomplete
Where everything means
Yet nothing is to be
So please
Understand
You’re better off without me.

Promise Me This
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 14, 2012

Promise me you won’t be another mistake
Promise me you’ll give and you won’t only take
Promise me you’ll do your best to stay
Promise me
Honestly
Promise it’ll be okay

Don’t promise the truth, for I know lies will come
Don’t promise perfection, I ask that of no one
Don’t promise me joy, of that I’ve had enough
Don’t promise me easy, the best things are tough

Promise me that you’ll be here when it’s dark
Promise me that you won’t leave on a lark
Promise me that You won’t run from my love
Honestly
Promise me
That will be enough.

The Girl I Met That Day
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 9, 2012

(Okay, for those of you who don’t know, I recently started work as a sales associate at my local TJMaxx selling women’s handbags. On grand opening, I briefly met a rather interesting character, the name of which I won’t divulge. She was an interesting gal, and I thought I’d try to capture some of the details that stuck out about her. Observational poetry. Free-forming. Some of the stuff I used to do. Changing things up a bit. Check it out.)

Oh
I remember you
Strange that I think of you still
Standing out in the memories
A face
Brightly
Beautiful
Eyes
Mysterious like the moon
Flighty
Unsure
Lost as they were
Looking down
Enamored of the ground
Introspective
Stressed
Smiling
As their own
Part of the cosmic joke
Face
Bright yet pale
But light
And frail
To world’s wounds
Kissed yet unscarred
Close calls
That speak of a troubled mind
And a forward grace
To will to leave them behind
Long legs
Unsure of their gait
Trying to tilt a picture straight
Trying to trip over themselves
Long blonde hair
Reflecting light
Blending with air
A smile
Shy
Uncertain
Why?
I hardly know
But showing joy
Few others show
But in a mind
That won’t believe
Of it’s own beauty

***

Now and then you cross my mind
Even then
Never making sense
Wondering when
You’ll see
The girl I met that day
Briefly before we parted ways
Yet in my mind the picture stays