Posts tagged secular

Still Standing Where You Had Laid
By Nicholas Petela
Written November 19th, 2012
Abyssals Series

(A poem about dwelling on a loss. A bit more metaphor than I usually do.)
(Alsofax: This one isn’t about a girl, in case you’re curious. Sometimes romance sucks anyway.)

From moment to moment
And day to day
I find myself still standing
Where once you had laid

You cut to the quick
And the candle burned out
But it’s I who’d forgotten
All that you knew about

Your monument everlasting
Holds promise to stay
And I find myself still standing
Where once you had laid

The shards from your shadow
Had pierced my heart through
And no, it has nothing
To do with you

These tears of drunk comfort
This day I refrain
To find myself still standing
Where once you had laid

I search for an answer
Yet know nothing’s there
The searching’s the purpose
For nothing else I care

In darkness seek refuge
My heart is okay
Remembering, still standing
Where once you had laid

Your image is echoed
Over my heart and face
But as is the loss
We all suffered that day

And I’ll never forget
With nothing else to say
That I find myself still standing’
Where once you had laid.

The Closure That Never Comes
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 30th, 2012

(Another poem about me and my hang-ups. It’s about how hung-up on them I am. How fitting.)

What is this
I have no reason
To come to grips
With your silent treason

I hold on tight to memory
As it always was
And has been
Even then
I still forget
And long to know again

All I ever wanted was love.
Don’t you get it?
Can’t you see it?
You made it out to be
So much more
Now unaccounted for

I’m still lost
I don’t want to move on
Now I’m silent and
My heart is withdrawn
‘Tis no-one’s to own
Not even my own

I long for your embrace
And miss your voice
And seeing your face
Is it my fault?
I shall not disgrace
Your beautiful name
Though if I do
It’s still the same

There’s nothing that can
Be done for me
Know, they’ll never
THEY’LL NEVER SEE
Me for what I am
In it’s entirety
They’ll only see me
For what they make me to be

And all I wanted was love.

The Battle Unseen
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 8, 2012

(A response poem (kind of) to a discussion I had with one of the many people here who don’t read my poetry. :P Oh, for you tumblr-followers, I moved to Texas like three months ago. Things are interesting here. It also has a lot to do with why the story mentioned in “The Face Of An Angel” turned out the way it did. Anyway, here we have ourselves my first sonnet in awhile. Just a line I wanted to toy with. Kind of all over the place, but I like it.)

I feel the battle raging in my mind
While lost with dreary thoughts and borrowed peace
I sleepwalk, though you’d never think me blind
But ne’er to will my aching heart to cease
For through the difficulties I may face
I know the truth will come to me one day
And greet me with a hollowing embrace
And hand in hand will carry me away
For now the battle rages in my heart
The past, a looming shadow o’er my head
These noisy thoughts do wake me with a start
But still, it is the silence most I dread
You shudder now, think naught of it my friend
For all that comes to pass is known to end

What I Would Say To You
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 26, 2012

(So remember when I said that long poem marked the end of a story? Yeah, I didn’t mean that very much. Here’s something I wrote on the same subject, about words unsaid that couldn’t help anyway. They may be gone, but the memory will be among those that haunt me forever.)

I’d say I’m sorry
But I doubt you’d listen
I’d say I’m the lowest
But I put myself there
I’d say you hurt me
But I know I deserved it
I’d say you broke me
But I doubt that you’d care

I’d say it was easy
But I’m done with the hiding
I’d say it was truthful
But it won’t make you smile
I’d say I’m the victim
Though you’re just as much hurting
I’d say it meant nothing
But it was just too worthwhile

I’d say that I miss you
But you’re better off without me
I’d say that I’m lonely
But I’ve been there before
I’d say that I’m sorry
But you don’t need to hear it
I’d say I love you
But it doesn’t matter anymore

The Face Of An Angel
By Nicholas Petela
Written October 2, 2012

(Mark Twain once said that there are two ways to tell the absolute truth, anonymously and posthumously. I don’t know if it’s really the case, ignorant people speak their minds all the time. They just aren’t wary of the consequences. On this note, I question my intelligence sometimes. Something to think about.)

I miss you each and every day
I know it’s me who closed the door
I know that it’s I who ran away
But today’s a day
I miss you more

And it’s okay
And I’ll be fine
So I dream
As I’m designed
To think that I
Can move along
That it’ll be okay
Things are easier that way

But tell me
Darling
Is it true?
That I can live apart from you?
A friend I lost
Although I knew
This is what had to be
You had to get away from me.

My heart is filled
With strange emotions
Anchored to
This strong devotion
By broken links
By the battering ocean
Sweeping me away from all I thought I knew.
Reminding me that even the worst men can stay true.

With aching heart
and shaken mind
I lay me down to sleep
Lost on the cusp of a dream,
I hope
Somewhere
You’re thinking of me.

And cringing at the memory.

Insidious
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 21, 2012

Have you ever had one of those
Thoughts
That slithers
And sticks
In the back
Of your brain
And stays?

And
Yeah
She’s beautiful
And kind
But the things
In my mind
Aren’t alike
To one like
Her
Oh, I wish that they were!

I’m scared
To get close
As my thoughts
Are cold
My feelings
Grow

For fear
I retreat
For hope
Shall see defeat
But my mind
Repeats
“She’s not like me.”
“She’s not like me.”
“She’s not like me.”
“She won’t like me.”

You Don’t Understand
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 18, 2012

(I take a good deal of pride in the euphony here. It just slides off and through the tongue. I love to do this with words. Thankfully, it’s something akin to a breakaway from my form that I’ve been craving recently. Not be repetitive. Stream-of-consciousness. All that good stuff. )

You don’t understand
The things I see at night
They come to me so cold
And judging in their eyes
So bright

You don’t understand
The way they looked at me
You see right through the glass
But just a mask
Looks back, empty
I only wish that you would see
The unworthy

You never ought to know
The places I will go
The things I just might do
Even to you
Like those
I cared for so
It feels so long ago

***

The fragile girl
Queen of the world
And first to meet me here
I know I own her fear
And tragedy
Was the truth she was near
But still not close
To all she owned
Her world was soon
To disappear
But only I
Could see the pages
Where it smeared
The ink was clouded here.

The girl with raven hair
A pity now
To see her there
Where she placed herself
And still I care
Like nobody else
Though she’ll never stare
Back at me
To know I see
The hurt she tries to hide
That each alike
Hates what’s inside
What we’ve become.

Two angels, bright
And justified
Unraveled by
My eager mind
I think that you might understand
I doubt they ever will;
I’m victim to
Their mercy, still.

***

These stories, four
And a dozen more
Would almost begin to show
The lonely places
My mind will go.

But you don’t understand
The sad songs on repeat
The darkness where
My mind retreats
Ne’er to forget
The slow defeat
The requiem
As we all meet
The place where
Nobody dares
To sleep
A place of groanings
Incomplete
Where everything means
Yet nothing is to be
So please
Understand
You’re better off without me.

Promise Me This
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 14, 2012

Promise me you won’t be another mistake
Promise me you’ll give and you won’t only take
Promise me you’ll do your best to stay
Promise me
Honestly
Promise it’ll be okay

Don’t promise the truth, for I know lies will come
Don’t promise perfection, I ask that of no one
Don’t promise me joy, of that I’ve had enough
Don’t promise me easy, the best things are tough

Promise me that you’ll be here when it’s dark
Promise me that you won’t leave on a lark
Promise me that You won’t run from my love
Honestly
Promise me
That will be enough.

The Girl I Met That Day
By Nicholas Petela
Written September 9, 2012

(Okay, for those of you who don’t know, I recently started work as a sales associate at my local TJMaxx selling women’s handbags. On grand opening, I briefly met a rather interesting character, the name of which I won’t divulge. She was an interesting gal, and I thought I’d try to capture some of the details that stuck out about her. Observational poetry. Free-forming. Some of the stuff I used to do. Changing things up a bit. Check it out.)

Oh
I remember you
Strange that I think of you still
Standing out in the memories
A face
Brightly
Beautiful
Eyes
Mysterious like the moon
Flighty
Unsure
Lost as they were
Looking down
Enamored of the ground
Introspective
Stressed
Smiling
As their own
Part of the cosmic joke
Face
Bright yet pale
But light
And frail
To world’s wounds
Kissed yet unscarred
Close calls
That speak of a troubled mind
And a forward grace
To will to leave them behind
Long legs
Unsure of their gait
Trying to tilt a picture straight
Trying to trip over themselves
Long blonde hair
Reflecting light
Blending with air
A smile
Shy
Uncertain
Why?
I hardly know
But showing joy
Few others show
But in a mind
That won’t believe
Of it’s own beauty

***

Now and then you cross my mind
Even then
Never making sense
Wondering when
You’ll see
The girl I met that day
Briefly before we parted ways
Yet in my mind the picture stays

Could Have Been
By Nicholas Petela
Written August 13, 2012 
Night Series

(May the Night series arise.)

Hanging on words unsaid
On faults unspoken
And never had
The best ideas
They all fell through
And nothing more I could do to you
Nothing that you’d want me to do

There could have been
A memory
Of a time long ago
Of you and me
I spoiled it
And now, you’re free
To be whatever
You want to be
Far away from me

I lied to you
They lied to me
She lied, we lied
All us three
Fault belongs
To nobody

A small mistake
A small regret
Has planted seeds
That grow larger yet
Consumed I am
By thoughts of you
Had I not done
What I set out to do
And ruined the way
It could have been for you

Deception hangs
On the sweetest toungues
The heaviest breaths
On the lightest lungs
The stupid ideas
In the brilliant minds
Or so I find
This hope to now unwind

There could have been
But will never be
I messed it up
And you don’t see
I lost your trust
Considerably
And now I must
Just let you go free
And write these words
In misery